A letter from the NRA to the American Public
NRA mockup of their new line of tactical gear for Kindergarten teachers.
FROM: National Rifle Association (NRA)
11250 Waples Mill Road
Fairfax, Virginia 22030
TO: Citizens of the United States of America
Dear American Public:
On behalf of the gun-owning, constitution-loving, patriotic members of the NRA, we wish to extend our heartfelt condolences to the families of the children killed in Nashville last week. We understand that this is a tragic and horrible event. However, in the wake of yet another school shooting we, at the NRA, have raised millions of dollars to support our efforts to protect the rights of every man, woman and child to own a gun. Firearms dealers across the county saw an uptick in sales. Truly, the American People will stand up for the right own a firearm, even in the face of tragedy.
Our purpose is a glorious and righteous one. The Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution states:
A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arm Arms, shall not be infringed.
Of course, it is only the last phrase that matters – “the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” Scholars have proven that the first phrase was a typo. Indeed, the founders had intended to write “Everyone gets a gun!” Unfortunately, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Joe Biden, Barack Obama and (of course) George Soros switched copies of Bill of Rights at the last minute, and we ended up with the wrong copy. But fear not! We know that the Second Amendment was meant to say. Because of the mass shootings in elementary schools, high schools, colleges, grocery stores, night clubs, malls, public transit, churches… everywhere really… our coffers have grown by millions of dollars. That money will fund our efforts at ensuring the right of every person to carry an automatic weapon is protected. Truly, these deaths were not in vain.
With this money we will be able to pay our employees through another election cycle! (Oh wait, sorry, the legal department just informed us that we can’t call them “employees”, allow us to rephrase.) With this money we will be able to pay U.S. Representatives and Senators. (No? Ok, Legal says that’s not right either). With this money we will be able to make perfectly legal campaign donations to politicians from all parties (looking at you Joe Manchin 😉 ), for which we expect nothing in return 😉.
We will also take this opportunity to announce our new line of classroom tactical gear. We firmly believe that only a good guy (teacher) with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun. Thus, we are partnering with gun manufacturers to produce classroom-ready automatic weapons for all teachers. Our NRA-branded tactical gear will allow our beloved teachers to wear classroom-friendly camouflaged Kevlar vests, with enough pockets to hold hundreds of rounds of ammunition! If that is not enough to demonstrate our commitment to school safety, we also intend to donate money to college education programs to sponsor basic combat training for every teacher. None of this would be possible without your sacrifice!
We would also take this opportunity to speak directly to the families of the victims of mass shootings. To you, we send our thoughts and also our prayers. How can anyone be sad when the NRA has sent both thoughts and prayers directly to you! You are so honored! In fact our employees, ahem, we mean Republicans have sent their thoughts and prayers too! What will you do with all those thoughts and prayers!
So let us conclude with a reaffirmation of our commitment to arm every many woman and child in America. There can be no doubt that God’s greatest gift to mankind was the firearm!
Very truly yours,
The NRA
(this is satire)
